Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Yep folks, this is it. The end is near. The end of hair. Yesterday I was taking a shower and shampooing up the tresses when I looked at my hands and found gobs of hair. I rinsed and pulled more hair off my hands and between my fingers. And had to pick it off my body.... and the tub floor. Today was the same shower scene. At first I put on a shower cap thinking I could preserve some of the hair from coming out, then halfway through I said screw it... I'm not going to save anything. As if I could. I just enjoyed the warm water on the back of my head/neck (because I'm still living with the dang headaches!) And then trying to get the loose hairs off my body. Not fun. Tonight after brushing my teeth I started combing my fingers through my hair to get the loose hairs out so they wouldn't end up in my bed. It was freaky. Again, just pulling handfuls of hair strands out. And a few clumps. Ew. Looking at me, you can't really tell that I've lost so much hair. I started out with a lot so I'm guessing it'll be a few days before it looks thinner. Maybe it'll all come out in clumps tomorrow. Who knows? 

It just sucks. Another big change. Sure, it means the chemo is working. That's a good thing. But I could tell the chemo was working because of my raw mouth sores and screwed up GI system too. But the hair thing... it's announcing to the world, to strangers, Hey, I have cancer! Well, it's no secret. I didn't want to keep it a secret because I couldn't bear going through this alone. I told most of my neighbors. (Actually I told a few neighbors and one of them told everyone else, lol) All my friends know. I even told the cashier at the grocery store, and of course the pharmacist. But they all know on MY terms. I chose to tell them. Walking around with no hair and looking like a cancer patient takes the choice away from me. 

Then there's the question: to wig or not to wig. I sat down with the American Cancer Society wig boutique lady and picked out a wig. I don't have it yet. But I'm weirded out by wearing a wig. I picked a cute style, but I still look at a stranger in the mirror. It still looks like a wig. I'm not sure if I would be more self conscious wearing a wig or wearing a headscarf. It seems like wearing a wig is like hiding the real me, whereas wearing a headscarf or hat is just the me the way I am. Love me or leave me alone. 

I knew it was coming. I'm trying to be brave about it. Trying to laugh a little about it. C and I were watching you tube videos about tying scarves on your head and I started wrapping a turban on her head. She said she looked medieval and I said she just looked evil and we were laughing so hard. That's a good thing. People are giving me all sorts of advice that I appreciate so much. But what it comes down to is what I feel I should do and when, on my terms. I am going to take control and shave it when I feel the time is right. I suspect it may be this weekend. I am going to give myself a mohawk first though, and take a picture. And laugh. Maybe cry a bit for the loss. Then put on a nice warm hat and go on with life.

More tomorrow...