(Really Sour Lemons)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Can I quit?

I don't want to do this anymore. 

I'm embarrassed to admit this... but I'm going to because I want to be honest. I melted down this morning. I couldn't muster the energy to walk Little C to the bus stop... I felt horrible physically and mentally. I looked out the window at her walking down the street alone and burst into tears. I felt sorry for myself. I was super angry. I'm sick of this. I don't want to go through another 5 shitty cycles of this. I don't know why this is happening to ME. Why? Blah Blah Blah. 

I went back to bed with my iPad and read my email, FB comments and blog comments and cried for another 1/2 hour or so. Took some more Tylenol and stomach acid reducer. Got up at 10 a.m. got a long warm shower, dressed and went to work packing and shipping orders. I needed something to focus on. Little C had half day and we made some lunch together, Tilapia Filets and Quinoa. My stomach felt a bit better today, with the exception of hiccups from hell still. 

I don't want to be the brave one. Or the strong one. I just want my old life back. I hate that I am putting my family through this. I'm just tired and depressed and want to quit. I hate that I don't really have a choice. I have to get through it. I don't really like the alternative, ya know? 

Thanks you everyone for your strength and kindness and prayers. I will make it. 

I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day. 


  1. Oh Lisa-I hope you have a better day today. It takes such courage to go through all of this. I complain about something that bothers me for a couple of days, but I know that it will be gone soon--I can only imagine how tired you must be already. I wish I could wave a magic wand over you and make it all go away!!

  2. I can't imagine the actual feelings you are having only a taste of them. My husband always says, "It's alwasy darkest before it goes entirely black" and I've started adding "but the sun always comes up." Your sun will rise again and in the meantime you have that lovely girl and a booming business.

  3. No-one wants to go through it. just cry all you want and all the family wants is you any way, any how. They know it will pass.