I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm embarrassed to admit this... but I'm going to because I want to be honest. I melted down this morning. I couldn't muster the energy to walk Little C to the bus stop... I felt horrible physically and mentally. I looked out the window at her walking down the street alone and burst into tears. I felt sorry for myself. I was super angry. I'm sick of this. I don't want to go through another 5 shitty cycles of this. I don't know why this is happening to ME. Why? Blah Blah Blah.
I went back to bed with my iPad and read my email, FB comments and blog comments and cried for another 1/2 hour or so. Took some more Tylenol and stomach acid reducer. Got up at 10 a.m. got a long warm shower, dressed and went to work packing and shipping orders. I needed something to focus on. Little C had half day and we made some lunch together, Tilapia Filets and Quinoa. My stomach felt a bit better today, with the exception of hiccups from hell still.
I don't want to be the brave one. Or the strong one. I just want my old life back. I hate that I am putting my family through this. I'm just tired and depressed and want to quit. I hate that I don't really have a choice. I have to get through it. I don't really like the alternative, ya know?
Thanks you everyone for your strength and kindness and prayers. I will make it.
I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day.