I swallowed a Ferret...

And other tales of Chemotherapy. 

My husband said I didn't cook it enough. I can feel it running around in circles in my stomach. Every once in awhile it delves deeper into my intestines, but mainly it's my stomach. It's the weirdest feeling. Ooh. It kinda feels like an alien baby in there, kicking around. Hmm. 

So the side effect are definitely cumulative. After the first cycle I said to myself "oh this isn't too bad. I can deal with this!" Now I want to cry when I think of having to do this two more times. The Wednesday after Chemo used to be a pretty good day. I'd get my Neulesta shot and then run errands because I knew I'd be out the next few days. I started feeling crappy on Wednesday already. I was couch bound on Thursday, Friday and most of Saturday. Dragging around on Sunday. Dang it, I have to go back to that place on Tuesday again! 

New side effects, besides the Ferret in my stomach... my fingernails hurt! They have weird little white moons and the rest are orange-y colored. (Wait, let me think... no, it's not paint!) They're not horrible looking, but they hurt when the nail is pressed or if I grip a pencil or paintbrush. 

My toes and bottom of my feet are very slightly numb. Sometimes the pads of my fingers too. Every three weeks at my Oncologist's appointment I am asked if I have any numbness and/or tingling in my fingers and feet and I say no. I was really hoping to get away with no neuropathy but I don't think I'll be that lucky. 

The hot flashes/night sweats are making me crazy! I call my nights "Shake and Bake". I'll overheat, shift over to the cool satin pillow to chill my head, then 10 minutes later I'll start shaking with chills. The first three days after chemo this was going on every 45 minutes all night long. Last night I think I slept 2 hours straight between episodes. 

And the fact that it's been in the high 70's to mid 80's in the middle of March, Does. Not. Help. I am constantly overheating, even during the day. I purged my closet of winter today. My hats all went back into the hat bin. (My personal Mad Hatter is crocheting me a cotton beanie!) Even wearing scarves is too hot. Around the house, I go without.  But I still have a problem going out in public with nothing on my head... yes, my brave attempt was at 10:30 at night to let the dog pee. In the dark. With no one around.

I don't know why I can't do it. It's not like I think someone will laugh at me. Who laughs at cancer patients? And if they do, I've got my lines ready. I'm not scared they will stare in repulsion. Or think I'm ugly. I really don't know why I can't do it. Maybe I don't want to be pitied? I don't look at bald women or cancer patients with pity. I see strength through adversity. I really can't figure out what is stopping me from going public. 

I'm guessing I will just get to the point where I'm fed up with being too hot and just "take it all off". Then it will be done with and over and I can get on with my life. 

Speaking of... my head is filled with peach fuzz! From far away it looks bald but up close I have a thin halo of fuzz. It makes me second guess my decision to shave it! No, seriously, it was falling out back then, but now it's growing back in places. Some of the hairs are about 1/4" long already (and WHITE I might add.) Very, very sparse; most of my head feels like sandpaper. But what's up with that? Even after cycle #3 it was growing in instead of the stubble falling out. The good thing is that the stubble/roughness helps hold my thinner scarves on my head. The bad thing is that it looks really... weird. Part of me wants to shave it all off again so it's nice and smooth. The other part of me says "what, are you crazy? It's growing!"

Well, this is long enough. I'm just dreading going to sleep. According to my "side effects cheat sheet" I should start getting more energy (check), My GI system should be royally screwed up by now (check), my appetite should start coming back (still waiting), my mouth should feel like I burnt all my taste buds off (check).

And next time I'll remember to cook the Ferret before swallowing it!

Hair, Hats and Hormones

I have been feeling great this past week. Everything is returning to normal, minus the extra fatigue that hits me in the evenings. It was my birthday on Friday the 10th of February and I felt good enough to eat some cupcakes and then went out to dinner on the weekend. (First time out to dinner in a looong time.) On my birthday I decided to shave my head clean. It was buzzed before, with about 1/4" of hair all over except for some emerging balding patches. It was hurting to lay on it and I kept getting short pieces of hair everywhere, including my eyes. So off it went. Plus, I wanted to tell people when they asked "did you do anything special for your birthday?" I can answer "Yes, I had cupcakes and shaved my head." LOL.

Believe it or not, a 1/4" of hair still keeps your head somewhat warm! When it was all gone, my head was REALLY cold! It was a really weird sensation to feel the air gliding over my head as I walked around the house. Just sitting around is cold. I have to wear a hat most of the time, or at least a head scarf. I have decided that I DO NOT like being bald because of this. It has nothing to do with beauty or looks. I don't place a lot of emphasis on physical looks, I try to look beyond that. No, it's just damn cold to be bald. 

I've only been totally bald for about 10 days now and I'm tired of it already. I have a big basket of hats to keep me warm. And I have a big basket of pretty scarves for my head too. But sometimes I just don't feel like wearing a hat or scarf or anything on my head. But then I'm cold. It's crazy hard to regulate temperature too. Hats inside are sometimes too hot. Hats outside are fine. But then when I go into a store I overheat. Scarves are fine inside but I'm always pulling and tugging and adjusting. That knot in the back of my neck is getting old. I bought a bunch of fabric to make my own scarves, some thinner cotton ones, but it won't solve the knot-in-neck problem. Forget turbans. I refuse to go there! 

And speaking of regulating temperatures, oh.my.goodness. I think my ovaries have been dying a slow death the past few weeks. I turned 46 last week, and even though I had a hysterectomy at 39, I had kept my ovaries and hormones and menopause was far off on the horizon. But lately I've been waking up 3-4 times a night HOT and sweating. My pillow feels like it was in the oven. I whip my sleeping hat off and throw it aside, flip my pillow and toss all the covers off. Sometimes I sit up and fan my head. About 5 minutes later I'm shivering and grab the covers again and snuggle under to get warm. I don't know if this is a side effect of the chemo or if the chemo is screwing with my hormones and causing night sweats, or, and I dread saying this, is this what a hot flash feels like? 

I'm so not ready for this part. 

Next time I will tell you about my trip outside of my comfort zone.