Well, it's been long enough, hasn't it? No, not my hair, just the time since my last update :-D (trying to keep a sense of humor here, bear with me...)
On the health front, things are going well when you think about what this time last year looked like. Exactly one year ago, I had two surgeries done with and had an egg beater inserted into my breast so I could start radiation two days before Christmas. I had cut my hair short already, in anticipation of what chemo would do to me. I was scared but I knew I wasn't alone and I was ready to fight like a girl.
Over the course of the year I've had three more surgeries - two failed attempts at placing a port and one that finally got it right. I've had six rounds of poisonous cell killing chemotherapy, with 20 rounds of Herceptin weekly during that time. And 12 rounds of Herceptin by itself since. On January 9th I go for my very last infusion of Herceptin. Then I'm done.
But it's never really over is it? It will never be over. I will live the rest of my life "on call", being extra vigilant about every ache, pain, bump and lump. Waiting.
It seems pretty stupid to be worrying about hair, doesn't it?
Today I wanted to get my hair around my ears trimmed. I went to a cheap walk in place. The stylist asked if I wanted the rest of my hair evened out. I said sure. It was starting to look a little out of control. When she was done, my first reaction (in my head) was "What the &*$% did I just do???" She took about 4 months of growth off my head. Now I have short hair. REALLY short hair. Sure, it's styled and layered nicely. But my gosh, did I mention it's short? On purpose? I'm so sad for all the hair that got chopped off, it took me such a long time to get to the point I was at. Then I think... I'm such an idiot to worry about it. Look at everything I've been through. It's only hair. It'll keep growing.
But I never wanted a boy cut...
Here are some pictures, for entertainment only :-D
Here is a "before" picture of my bad-ass mohawk look. It was actually taken about three weeks ago:
And my Happy Mohawk look. I actually had several inches there on top of my head.
The back was getting really thick and wavy. I had already gotten it trimmed around the neckline and around the ears already.
Okay, I'm well aware that I look like a huge dork with a mohawk. It just wasn't a good look for me. I was just kidding around with the camera. I usually blow dried it so I had more of a flat look. Too bad I don't have a picture of my normal style. I had a very deep side part and swept it toward the front. The top was thick and I had a fringy bang.
This is what my hair looks like today. It's a smidge over an inch long... all over, including the back.
Fine. It's short. I can't get it back. I can't do anything about it now. Regret will get me nowhere. I will learn to accept it and love it. It'll grow again. And it'll fit better under that blue wig I wanted for Christmas...
It's only hair...
It's only hair...
It's only hair...
I have been feeling great this past week. Everything is returning to normal, minus the extra fatigue that hits me in the evenings. It was my birthday on Friday the 10th of February and I felt good enough to eat some cupcakes and then went out to dinner on the weekend. (First time out to dinner in a looong time.) On my birthday I decided to shave my head clean. It was buzzed before, with about 1/4" of hair all over except for some emerging balding patches. It was hurting to lay on it and I kept getting short pieces of hair everywhere, including my eyes. So off it went. Plus, I wanted to tell people when they asked "did you do anything special for your birthday?" I can answer "Yes, I had cupcakes and shaved my head." LOL.
Believe it or not, a 1/4" of hair still keeps your head somewhat warm! When it was all gone, my head was REALLY cold! It was a really weird sensation to feel the air gliding over my head as I walked around the house. Just sitting around is cold. I have to wear a hat most of the time, or at least a head scarf. I have decided that I DO NOT like being bald because of this. It has nothing to do with beauty or looks. I don't place a lot of emphasis on physical looks, I try to look beyond that. No, it's just damn cold to be bald.
I've only been totally bald for about 10 days now and I'm tired of it already. I have a big basket of hats to keep me warm. And I have a big basket of pretty scarves for my head too. But sometimes I just don't feel like wearing a hat or scarf or anything on my head. But then I'm cold. It's crazy hard to regulate temperature too. Hats inside are sometimes too hot. Hats outside are fine. But then when I go into a store I overheat. Scarves are fine inside but I'm always pulling and tugging and adjusting. That knot in the back of my neck is getting old. I bought a bunch of fabric to make my own scarves, some thinner cotton ones, but it won't solve the knot-in-neck problem. Forget turbans. I refuse to go there!
And speaking of regulating temperatures, oh.my.goodness. I think my ovaries have been dying a slow death the past few weeks. I turned 46 last week, and even though I had a hysterectomy at 39, I had kept my ovaries and hormones and menopause was far off on the horizon. But lately I've been waking up 3-4 times a night HOT and sweating. My pillow feels like it was in the oven. I whip my sleeping hat off and throw it aside, flip my pillow and toss all the covers off. Sometimes I sit up and fan my head. About 5 minutes later I'm shivering and grab the covers again and snuggle under to get warm. I don't know if this is a side effect of the chemo or if the chemo is screwing with my hormones and causing night sweats, or, and I dread saying this, is this what a hot flash feels like?
I'm so not ready for this part.
Next time I will tell you about my trip outside of my comfort zone.
Yes. Today was a better day than yesterday. I don't think I could have handled one worse. After a slow awakening, Little C and I made some German Pancakes for a late breakfast. For me, breakfast is the easiest/best meal of the day in terms of hunger/how I feel. And German Pancakes are the best!
In the afternoon I actually felt well enough to venture out with my little helper. Get this... we went to Chik-Filet for lunch. A REAL lunch. (Okay, I realize "real" is subjective here, but it wasn't plain crackers!) I had three small chicken strips and a few waffle fries. Hiccuped through the meal but kept everything down, woohoo. Little C helped me grocery shop and then we walked around Blick's Art Supply store for a bit. (Cause you know, I haven't been there for at least a few weeks!) Came home and took a nap, but still... I felt alive, I tell you, Alive! It was nice to do something "normal" for a change.
I'm still on the Tylenol drip (I wish I could hook a drip up to the port!) around the clock. With the drugs my head/neck is tolerable. A little bit of aching in my legs but heck, I'm not complaining about that. My tongue continues to feel weird, my taste buds are dying. Several times throughout the day my scalp feels like it has little ants crawling over it, I think that's my hair follicles dying. The skin on my face was feeling crawly a bit too. The area around my port is itching like crazy as it heals. It's not the port this time (although that sucks and is painful too) it's the skin that was torn apart by an allergic reaction to any/every kind of adhesive the hospital used. I came home with another batch of raw blisters where they used that clear tape to keep the bandages on. The Onc Nurse said I have the most sensitive skin she's ever seen. Great. I've gotta stop trying to be the "best" at everything. So try covering the steri-strips and open sores without using more tape, I dare you. Ugh. I look like someone beat me up.
Yes, despite it all, it was a better day, physically and mentally.
