Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Yep folks, this is it. The end is near. The end of hair. Yesterday I was taking a shower and shampooing up the tresses when I looked at my hands and found gobs of hair. I rinsed and pulled more hair off my hands and between my fingers. And had to pick it off my body.... and the tub floor. Today was the same shower scene. At first I put on a shower cap thinking I could preserve some of the hair from coming out, then halfway through I said screw it... I'm not going to save anything. As if I could. I just enjoyed the warm water on the back of my head/neck (because I'm still living with the dang headaches!) And then trying to get the loose hairs off my body. Not fun. Tonight after brushing my teeth I started combing my fingers through my hair to get the loose hairs out so they wouldn't end up in my bed. It was freaky. Again, just pulling handfuls of hair strands out. And a few clumps. Ew. Looking at me, you can't really tell that I've lost so much hair. I started out with a lot so I'm guessing it'll be a few days before it looks thinner. Maybe it'll all come out in clumps tomorrow. Who knows? 

It just sucks. Another big change. Sure, it means the chemo is working. That's a good thing. But I could tell the chemo was working because of my raw mouth sores and screwed up GI system too. But the hair thing... it's announcing to the world, to strangers, Hey, I have cancer! Well, it's no secret. I didn't want to keep it a secret because I couldn't bear going through this alone. I told most of my neighbors. (Actually I told a few neighbors and one of them told everyone else, lol) All my friends know. I even told the cashier at the grocery store, and of course the pharmacist. But they all know on MY terms. I chose to tell them. Walking around with no hair and looking like a cancer patient takes the choice away from me. 

Then there's the question: to wig or not to wig. I sat down with the American Cancer Society wig boutique lady and picked out a wig. I don't have it yet. But I'm weirded out by wearing a wig. I picked a cute style, but I still look at a stranger in the mirror. It still looks like a wig. I'm not sure if I would be more self conscious wearing a wig or wearing a headscarf. It seems like wearing a wig is like hiding the real me, whereas wearing a headscarf or hat is just the me the way I am. Love me or leave me alone. 

I knew it was coming. I'm trying to be brave about it. Trying to laugh a little about it. C and I were watching you tube videos about tying scarves on your head and I started wrapping a turban on her head. She said she looked medieval and I said she just looked evil and we were laughing so hard. That's a good thing. People are giving me all sorts of advice that I appreciate so much. But what it comes down to is what I feel I should do and when, on my terms. I am going to take control and shave it when I feel the time is right. I suspect it may be this weekend. I am going to give myself a mohawk first though, and take a picture. And laugh. Maybe cry a bit for the loss. Then put on a nice warm hat and go on with life.

More tomorrow...

Kicked in the Head

That's how I feel today. Like I got kicked on the back of the head. I took a nap sitting up on the couch because it hurts too much to lay down. I don't know if my neck muscles are just screwed up from sleeping funny, due to the pain of the port incisions. So far the Neulesta shot hasn't settled in any major bones. But then again... my neck and head kind of feels like all my glands are swollen like when you get the flu. Hmm. 

I had a hard time eating again too. I'm hungry in the morning but I have to make myself eat lunch, and by dinnertime I'm just feeling icky. And this hiccuping is making me crazy! Every time I drink something I end up hiccuping for a few minutes. Or when I eat, my stomach does this weird one big hiccup/heave. It feels like everything just wants to come back up. But I'm not nauseous. Definitely something to talk to the nurse about next week. 

I had grand plans for exercising lightly during my ordeal. I walk the kiddo to the bus stop with the dog and go a bit further and home again. That's about all I can handle. We had our first snow fall today and it's usually my job to shovel the driveway. There's no way. I am extremely grateful that my neighbors stopped by (without my asking or prior knowledge) and shoveled the driveway. 

I also had an appointment at the American Cancer Society's wig boutique. How depressing to look in the mirror and not see yourself staring back. They also have a program called "Look Good, Feel Better" about how to take care of your appearance when going through treatments and feeling like crap. They teach you how to take care of your skin and put on makeup - when you know you look good, you feel better about yourself. I missed the January class which was this past Monday. Next class is the first week of February. I'm trying to take care of myself. I washed my hair this morning (first shower since surgery Monday!) and put on a bit of makeup, real jeans and shoes, etc. It really does make you lift your chin a bit higher and feel like hiding a bit less. I'm trying...

I wanted to share an article written by David Haas, Family Hospitality Coordinator at Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. It applies to any kind of cancer. It's about "the benefits of fitness and eating healthy during and after a diagnosis of any kind of cancer. Each cancer has it's limitations, but if one can keep a healthy body, they can have a better chance to overcome this awful disease." Hmm. It sounds like he's been rooting around in my brain the past few days... 

Stay In Control of Your Body

Surviving cancer is an exhausting process, and though there is a great deal of
emphasis placed on recovery, you should also be thinking about control. After
going through mesothelioma or any other kind of cancer, you may feel as though
everything is out of your control. Reasserting a feeling of control in your life allows
you to stay positive and motivated during your treatment and your recovery, and it
can also drastically improve your outlook on the way that your life is going.
According to Dr. Matthew Hoffman at WebMD

Studies show that not only can exercise prevent cancer, but that it can also prevent
it from recurring. Exercise gives you an opportunity to use your body and to make
it do work. In the process, you will be releasing endorphins that give you a natural
high, and you will also be helping your body recondition after what might have been
a long rest period. Choose a form of exercise that you enjoyed before your diagnosis,
or learn a new activity that you have always wanted to try. Always consult with a
doctor before starting any new exercise regimen.

Another way to take control of your body is to focus on your grooming. Cancer
treatment is a highly stressful time, and you may have been doing the bare
minimum for a while. Go to a spa and try a full body treatment or simply take a few
small minutes out of every day to pamper yourself. Even painting your nails can
have a positive effect. Baby your skin, paint your nails, or accessorize your favorite
outfit in a new way.

Spend intimate time with your significant other. Sensuality is another thing that
might have been pushed aside during the stress of cancer treatment, and it may be
a thing that is hard to reclaim. Speak frankly with your partner about your needs
and how they might have changed or been altered. While speaking about intimate
matters may be awkward or uncomfortable at first, it can also be liberating to talk
about your body in a way that is unrelated to cancer. It establishes you as a sensual,
sexual person.

If you are recovering from cancer, it is time to make your body your own once again.
Take control of your body and remember that it is a part of you and that despite
your illness, it is still a beautiful and important thing.

Thanks David. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I did find my Norco prescription so tonight should be a better night. A good night's sleep can make a big difference too :-)