2013-A Fresh Start

The beginning of the new year is always a time of reflection, thinking about the past year and everything that happened, and an offering of a fresh new start. I don't really do much to celebrate the new year (we stay in and watch movies, the countdown, then kiss and go to sleep!) I always start the year out feeling good (no hangovers!) and ready to move forward. 

2012 was a tough year, no doubt about it. I can say that physically, it was the worst year of my life. I was scared witless of chemotherapy. All my life I've had the thought that it was the worst thing anyone could ever do to their body. I never thought I'd be doing it. But I made it. I survived. The human body is amazingly beautiful and strong and resilient. And the human brain is amazingly forgetful, thank goodness. I kept journals, I can read about how bad I felt, but thankfully, those memories fade over time, so I don't dwell on them. My last Herceptin treatment is Wednesday then I'm free, but I'm scared too. I won't have anyone monitoring me every 3 weeks. I'll be on my own for months at a time. There are so many conflicting emotions running around my head that I can't quite put them into words yet.

But I won't let fear rule. That's a waste of time. And time is precious. If I've learned one thing this past year it's that time IS precious. We never know how much time we have left so we have to make each day count. I'm not going to go all mushy here... but... hug your loved ones extra tight, tell them you love them. Forgive someone.

What's in store for 2013? I am going to get my health back. I know that the universe laughs at plans and has ways of letting us know we are not in control of The Big Plan. But the little plan is to gain some semblance of control over my body again. Once my Herceptin Treatments are over, I can work on healing my heart. The biggest side effect is heart damage and each successive MUGA heart scan shows decreasing numbers, not in the danger zone, but decreasing nonetheless. Maybe that's why I'm so tired all the time? Anyway, my heart can start healing as my body sheds the last of the chemicals. 

I have to change my entire body chemistry, to prevent any new cancer cells from forming. Being practical here, not negative. I know the stats. HER2+ cancers are more aggressive than non HER2. Twenty years ago it was a death sentence. The cells I had were grade 3, fast growing, aggressive. There is some good news. ER+ cancers are the easiest to control with lifestyle changes. I'm already on estrogen suppressing drugs, the next best thing I can do for my survival is to lose weight. Fat cells store estrogen = bad. The more obese a woman is, the higher the chance of recurrence. Apparently cancer cells also like acidic environments and weakened immune systems. Both side effects of too much sugar. I have a sweet tooth, I'll even say I am addicted to sugar. But it's gotta go. My life depends on it. And of course I need to exercise. I need to get into a routine and make it a part of my day. No excuses. 

So that's what's on the agenda, health-wise, for 2013. Get to a healthy weight. Strengthen my heart and muscles. Put nutritious foods into my body, reject unhealthy foods. Getting some control back. My battle year may be over, but the war has just begun. I will continue to write about my next battles, my fight for health. It makes me feel more accountable for my choices and actions when I tell them out loud. Even if no one is listening. But if it helps just one person know they are not alone, it's worth it. 

Happy New Year everyone! I will keep you posted on everything going on and check in next week.

Becoming Brave.

The time was right. On Sunday I finally got brave enough to cut my  hair off. Actually, my husband used his clippers and cut it for me. He knows how to use those things better than I do! First he did his best to give me a mohawk. This is my "I'm in pain, take the picture quick while I'm giving you a horse smile" picture:

And a side view. I think you can see the shape of the Mohawk better here. The long part was set for one inch and the short part is shaved to 1/8" I think.

We laughed about it. We decided Michael will never be a barber for other people. Just himself. (As a matter of fact, after it was all done, we had the exact same haircut! Hmm.) 

Afterward he cut it all off at the shortest length. I couldn't believe the pile of hair on the floor! And all over me. What really surprised me was how dark my hair looked in that pile. I've always been a natural blond. When I lived in Arizona it was a nice golden blond. But lately it's turned really dark. With a beautiful streak of grey in the front. On the floor it almost looked black! I wonder what color will grow back in... ?

This morning I took some pictures of my buzz cut in the mirror. Some of them looked really painful. It's hard to have a natural look on your face when you're taking your own picture. The jokes you tell yourself to make you smile or laugh naturally just aren't all that funny, ya know?

Bah. It's not so bad. It's just really COLD! I can see where the short hairs are already falling out so I won't keep this style for long! I had to run a lot of errands today and was a bit nervous to go out in public for the first time like this. But you know what? I felt great today. Physically and mentally great. I think that helped. I started the day out with a headscarf with my new grey fleece hat over it (it was cold this morning!) and a down coat. As the day wore on, it got warmer (upper 40's!) and the sun was shining and I soon ditched the fleece hat. I walked around IKEA and JCPenny with my headscarf and no coat and I lived to tell about it! I just held my head up and strutted around and smiled if someone looked at me. It was all good. I don't know why I was so nervous about it. Silly me. 

Oh, I did get one comment from someone. At Barnes and Noble, when I was still wearing the fleece hat over the scarf. I was at the cafe getting some coffee and when I was walking away, this little boy, maybe about 3, saw me and tells him mom "she's wearing a hat. And she has a cookie." Observant little bugger! (note: I had a cookie. I am calorie storing. The next few weeks I will feel like puking around food and will probably lose another 5 lbs. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!) 

Here's an awesome positive thing. It took me exactly 15 minutes this morning to get a quick shower, put on makeup and dry my hair (hehe)! That means I can get 15 minutes more sleep in the morning, woohoo! 

Tomorrow I will be in chemo all day again. The make-me-feel-crappy stuff. But I know what to expect this time around so I will be more prepared to kick some ass and feel better doing it. Maybe I'll have my sister take some pictures. She can make me laugh.

How did I get here?

I wasn't going to start a "cancer blog". I am a mixed media artist, an art journaler. But I've found cancer gives me no art to work with, at least nothing I can put into images right now. I started a journal, but find it a chore to write in it, my fingers can type much faster, my thoughts can pour out quicker than the hand can write with a pen. This blog is mostly for me right now. I find the need to keep records. To document my life. Right now it's for me, but maybe someday I can help someone get through what I must go through and then it will have some worth. 

I have Breast Cancer. (Never in my life did I think I would ever say those words.) The past few months have been a blur, a roller coaster of emotions, the highest highs and the lowest lows. I wrote about it on my Artist blog HERE. Sometimes I stop in my tracks and it hits me- "how the hell did I get here?" 

• October 19th-routine mammogram during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
• October 28th-Another mammo and ultrasound. I knew by the way the nurses treated me that it wasn't good. 
• November 3rd-Biopsy with Advanced Breast Care Specialists
• November 8th-The phone call "I have bad news. It's cancer." 
• Tears, depression, anger, fear, disbelief, sadness, UNREAL. 

Here's the medical speak, a previously unknown foreign language: It's a 2 cm tumor, grade 3, ER+, PR+ and HER2+. A node biopsy was clear. But it's fast growing and "triple positive" and "worrisome" whatever the hell that means. We do surgery, radiation, chemotherapy.

I've had an MRI to make sure it hadn't spread (it hadn't), a lumpectomy to remove the tumor, a re-excision because some margins weren't clear, a high density radiation treatment for five days called brachytherapy... and here I am today, almost ready to start chemotherapy on January 10th. I say almost because my port placement was a failure on Friday so tomorrow I have another surgery where the radiation department will try to place it.

I am completely freaked out about chemotherapy. All my life I've been terrified of the whole concept of putting toxic chemicals in the body to kill both good and bad cells. Of course I never thought it would happen to me. I'm the healthy one, remember? I don't even like to take tylenol for a headache!

So here we go. This is the story of my journey through Cancer-land.